The Fearest of Them All

On my husband's night table he has a pile of books. As I was making the bed this morning my eye could not help but read the title of the book lying on top. “Art and Fear”. If this was a true art form I would be known for being the fearest of them all.

Not long ago when my son A was in high school he began doing community service in and around the Boston area. He also had the opportunity to go on several trips to West Virginia to help out the poorest of the poor who lived in unsanitary conditions, with high unemployment and few opportunities to change their lives. He also volunteered at Ruah House. This is a home for women living and dying with Aids. His first job out of college was at an overnight facility for abused, run away teens. After that he counseled addicts and the homeless. For his Master's Program he is working in a physic unit at a North Shore Hospital. If you asked him if he was afraid he would say no.

My daughter K, while at college, began volunteering to help the victims of Katrina in New Orleans. She went back three times, even though, the conditions were not safe and at times very unsanitary. What she saw, she will never forget, like the decomposing animals, the X's on the houses that were searched for dead bodies, the smell of decay and mold. If you asked her if she was afraid she would say no.

When my husband became a hospice volunteer and would spend hours with dying patients or when he volunteered at St Francis House to help with the needs of the homeless and you asked him if he was afraid he would say no.

I began volunteering at My Brother's Table a few years ago. All I had to do was help get the evening meal ready for 250 to 300 clients. My job usually involved making the salads. This was not difficult work. It was disappointing, however, when you were asked to prepare food that was donated and it was not fresh. We worked around this by adding more tomatoes and cucumbers. When the door opened and the flood of clients entered I immediately became emotional. Why hadn't I done this before?

When I stopped my business after 20 years without a clue about what I would do next, I had no idea it would be to help those in need. Gathering Change, Inc., has showed me that the fear of not doing is greater than the fear of doing. To witness another's fear is not the same as talking about it. To deliver a check to the food pantry and observe the individuals waiting in line, is not the same as mailing it in. You never forget the faces of uncertainty, you never forget this could be you, you never forget the deafening silence as they wait their turn, or the small part you play in helping and know it will never be enough.

If you asked me if I am afraid, I would say yes, but will it stop me? I would say no!

Dorothy Goodwin